Thursday, October 25, 2007

this is gone-be harrddd


Yes, I say that subject with fervor. I had a good day and ate well and even felt quite energized around 6 or 7pm. I was practically running through the streets of midtown and didn't realize it and when I did was like "oh!".
Then about an hour ago, around 10pm, here at work, I listened as coworkers ordered a bunch of burgers and fries. This after my coworker, one who sits next to me, was eating fries and a turkey sandwich. AND the coworker to my other side was eating a frozen snickers bar. (this girl is thin and perky which makes me go arrrg very irrationally) The meat even started to sound good to me after a while, so you know that's bad. I suddenly felt very irritable. I don't know if I felt that way before the food stuff occurred, but maybe. I remember thinking it was the yang to the lovely yin earlier today.
Talk about being in the grips of addiction. I had eaten a salad (with croutons which I think I should officially avoid) and then munched on banana chips and edamame and some cashews. But the muchiness took over. I was feeling depressed and agitated while at the same time NEEDING something snacky. I went over to duane reade and grabbed a bag of terra chips. Not the worst thing I could grab, but they only have the large sized bags. I just knew that I'd eat the whole bag and then I'd be back in that pattern. I know after 28 years that it's not about the chips or the amount, it's about the habit and the mental, physical, and emotional release and habit.
It took me forever to pick out a toothbrush (and I got a spongebob one, lemme tell you how out of it I must have been) and by the time I went to checkout, it had lifted! I felt full with no craving all of a sudden! But then my mind interjected and told me I needed snacky foods, so I went and picked out some veggie chips in a tiny bag. But the line for the checkout was long and by the time I made it to the head, I put those chips back and got some gum.
I have edamame and plums here, but I still haven't had the desire to eat anything.
Talk about a battle!!!
I wanna say I'm proud, but I can't say what the future brings.
(I would like to put my head in a pizza right now and personal issues, people, or whatever, may bring me to it, but I will do my damnedest!)

Oh! I forgot. Here's what I've eaten (so far, it's only midnight):
smoothie - 1 apple, 1 banana, water, ice, a few raw choc nibs
jamba juice smoothie - pomegranate juice, mango, peach
salad from hale n hearty - mixed greens, onion, carrot, cucumber, croutons
handful edamame
few cashews
3 lil banana chips (those are ridiculously sweet, in a bad way)

Wish me luuuuck!

yeah, i'm proud


So my first official raw day as far as this blog/journey is concerned went well. I'm still at work now and that feverish snacky time has come and gone. A coworker made popcorn and that's when I had to go out into the night to scavenge. I'm proud of myself because although I got questionably raw products (unsalted cashews - that had raw ones for $4 so hell no, a fruit bar with nuts, and some dried banana chips), I could have easily given in and gotten an eggplant parm hero. Or anything else you can think of. So I'll try to plan my late night snacking better for the future.
Today I actually got myself to the gym - ! I went in the dry sauna for a while and boy do I love that. The women at this one particular gym never seem to use it, and I always wonder why.
Here's what I consumed today:
1 apple (bad because it was from my trip to VT a week ago, yikes)
2 Hale n Hearty salads (one with croutons to slowly decrease my carb intake, but no
bread!)
1 banana
Aforementioned snacks
Lots 'o' water!

Tomorrow I will do my damnedest to eat more fruit, but for me, someone who usually eats much more food than this (carbs, anyone?), I am quite satisfied.
Yay!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Starting Fresh, pun very intended


Alright, so here I go. I really hope I can stick with this blogging thing, particularly on this topic. It's much healthier than giving into temptation, stalking people on myspace, or letting my thoughts run around in my head at mach speed. And please, don't get me wrong, I love temptation, and giving into it. ;) I'm just fully realizing that food can be a beautiful and great thing in one's life, but not when it controls you through chemicals and addiction. It's that simple.
So that's the outlook I'm going into this with. I'm planning on riding the waves of my body, as freakishly scary as that may seem. :)
Are bloggers allowed to use smileys, or is that blasphemy? Haha. If I don't, I'll use too many hahas or hehes. Oh well, we'll see.
When I'm home I'll post a photo of myself in the hopes of later labeling it a "Before", haha. I'm at work and since I work nights, a time when one wants to eat every fried thing known to (wo)man, I think this blog will be therapeutic. I kind of thought it was too self absorbed and too much in the vein of "I wanna be a star" (a phenomenon that I LOATHE) - ...BUT I have read through a few of others' blogs, particularly some strong and amazing women, and they are actually really inspiring. Hopefully this can be too. Or if I fail miserably, it can make others feel that much better about themselves. Just kidding. (hopefully)

So I'm going to quickly touch upon what's been going on with me lately. Basically, there's no rock bottom for me, at least not in a long time. There are "episodes" or days when I feel not so hot, but once "the fog lifts" then everything's A-OK. I think I was raised like this which may be a factor. So my weekend was like this - a few kind of happy things, but also a few "episodes" where depression and mania set in. I don't know if I'm allowing myself to only see the negative or if the negative was actually that overshadowing. I think it's more of the latter. Suffice it to say, I had some small panic attacks due to some small incidences. This led me to take a valium which I hadn't touched in at least 4 months when I severely broke my arm. And yes, I do believe that food completely affected me to this point. Plus, I drank excessively this weekend after surprisingly not drinking in a while. It all took a toll on me. Even before this, I was obsessed with ice cream all of a sudden. I ate the last of a carton (a very small amount) for breakfast this morning. It felt like closure because I know I've broken that obsession, for now. I had some dumplings, but I had a salad for dinner and then an apple and a kiwi a couple hours ago. I have been drinking a lot of water here at work, and I don't feel hungry at all right now. Lately I've wanted to eat when i get home which is usually around 5am - not good. I've managed not to eat, but it's been hard. I actually like my vampiric schedule, but I hope it allows me to go raw.
Just to lay it out there, I've been vegetarian for 15 years now, with the occasional consumption of fish. I have also eaten unagi (eel) and once or twice shrimp in all that time. I'm very happy being veggie, but I don't think it relates to the way I feel. In other words, I'm glad not to be participating in the meat industry, but for me to feel better I know that I need to eat fresh fruit and veggies, not a veggie burger. As much as I like 'em.
And finally, I don't like to cook. I'm not domestic. I own a blender, but hate cleaning it. :) There, it's out there. I kind of like to prepare, so I'm hoping that will be an advantage going into this since no one's really cooking.
I'm going to go the path of least resistance and go to as many raw places in NYC as possible. I figure it's the way I'll stay raw in the beginning. When I'm fully into it, I'll forage for my own food, I swear, but until then I think the Whole Foods bar and mock burritos, pastas, etc. are the way to go. ;)
I'm sure it'll be pricey, but I spend a lot of money on food now anyway.
It will be a tough battle, but I'd like to go in head first. And this blog will be a witness.

Backlog

I would like to post my impetus for starting this blog, from another blog of course, my mish mosh in this web.

September 27, 2007 - RAW*
I will be blogging on the subject of my relationship to food and my efforts to go 100% Raw.

I think one's relationship to food affects everything in one's life, particularly one's body, but for purposes of this project...

I am dealing specifically with what I eat, the feelings I get from eating, and the feelings I get after eating.

Most recently, I attended a raw meeting in what seemed to me to be my grandmother's dining room. It was a surreal setting (in a long established "house" for charity programs in midtown), but the people were nice and steadfast in their quest for health. Man, I was convinced. No health problems? Glowing skin? Endless energy? And the presentation by the group leader was very adament and in yer face.

This is the website of a woman who has a great personality and was visiting NYC at this meeting: www.reallyrawfoods.com


So on my journey so far I have not been able to get through a day completely raw. I have tons of excuses, namely that I work nights right now, but excuses are simply that.

I love those salads that someone tosses for you and puts in the plastic bowl. I love 'em. I could eat them forever. They are, however, usually overpriced and usually best enjoyed with bread. What can I say?

And today I encountered a new hurdle. I had a salad with feta and chick peas, both of which are not allowed. There were vegan salads, but they all had grilled tofu in them, and I knew I'd eat the tofu. Stupid trivialities like these lead me down the non-raw path, believe me.

But that's not all, oh no. After the salad, I had a weird taste in my mouth and frankly NEEDED sustenance. I wouldn't call it a craving. I know what a craving is and this was a want for something solid. Could this be the infamous "fill my void" emotional type of eating? Perhaps. So I got a choc chip brownie (yes, the worst possible thing probably) and it was reallyyyy good. I have to say. This was a huge symbol for me as to why I may never truly be raw.

Now a lot of people may say right about now - why don't you eat reasonably healthy and indulge every now then? Aha! To those people I may want to hit. But violence for me is only theoretical, so don't be scared. :)

This is especially why I'm venturing into this territory. Because it's not that simple. I can tell myself that it is and even behave that way for a while. But the bottom line is that it doesn't work for me. Period.

I have migraines and have had them since I can remember. Plus numerous ailments related to skin, circulation, hereditary mental issues, etc.

I am NOT just some girl who wants to be thin and pretty. On the contrary, I love zaftig types just like I love all types of women the way they are. Adhering to a specific body type for social acceptance is fucking ridiculous and is misogyny in its most pure form.

Just to set that one straight right off. ;)

I could go into detail about my issues, but I have a feeling they will peek their little heads out through the course of this journey.

In the meantime, I'm going to try not to think about the eggplant parm hero tonight. try try try try...