Friday, May 31, 2013

Here I am again...

C'est la vie. :| While I've been very interested in the idea of a raw foods diet and 811, I keep coming back to it and (mostly) straying from it. Here I am again. I hope those words will have renewed meaning and passion. I need to be led on a path of greater things. Who's going to do it if not me? I will lead myself. I will be strong. I'm writing this first and foremost to remind myself how I was (am!) because I know when I feel better, I won't really remember how miserable I felt. I was reading the fibromyalgia symptoms yesterday and they really sounded like me. My husband too. We have often been in situations - just sitting together - where we simultaneously complain about pains and issues, just like old people. It's awful and yet I've almost become accustomed to it. But even now, when he winces in pain, a deep part of me clenches in anxiety and fear. I really am wrapped up in a chemical sandwich. I don't like to think it, but I am. I have major cravings and always feel hungry. In the rare instances when I'm not hungry, "I could eat", as my lovely Jewish ancestors would say. (joke - I love my heritage! But we are eaters of bad things, no doubt) An easy segue presents itself to mention the passing of my mother. (I figure this will get personal regardless). She passed away 2 years ago at the age of 58. Her mother passed at 52, about 8 years before my birth, and obviously I never got to know her. I'm not blaming my health on this but I have certainly witnessed the power of grief. My best friend is not here. In bodily form, anyway. I do believe she's with me. There were a few months right after her surprising and tragic passing where I was alone (husband in another state) and taking care of my father as well as their beautiful villa condo. By taking care I mean being there for my father during surgery and in patient hospital visits. For their home, I mean packing everything up, getting rid of a ton of stuff, and finding a place in the world for my father. He has since recovered well and moved with my husband and I to a completely other state where I now live. Fresh start, if you will. Anyway, during these few months, as you can imagine, I didn't eat very much. I'm sure my weight dropped but it's all kind of blur. I was running on pure adrenaline, so to speak. Since then, the grief has enveloped me and let go of me several times. It grows and certainly evolves. Time doesn't heal, honestly. I miss her more and in different ways as the days go by. But, magically, my natural love of food and eating has taken me to my present state. Very overweight, really. But with so much feminism and love of my self and my body, it's hard to really see a negative in that. It's much much more about how I feel. Some issues I've been dealing with in the past couple years: Migraines - I've had them my entire life. Just in the past week to two weeks, they've gotten extremely bad. My head hurt on some level about every other day. 50% of my life. On one evening, I got a really terrible one. Anyone with migraines knows what I'm talking about. They are memorable ailments. I have very recently stopped drinking coffee (I was having 1 cup almost every day and I should know better - but I love coffee!!) and started sipping on energy drinks when I feel a headache coming on. I know, gross, but my husband pointed out how bad analgesics are for my organs. (My mom had liver failure) Insomnia - My poor mother dealt with this for about 20 years. I believe it took its toll on her over time. I have always gone through sleep phases. For a while, I sleep heavy, for a while I wake up every hour or two, and then for a while I have light sleep where I toss and turn. Well, I'm in a "I can't get to sleep!!" phase and it's lasting longer than my normal phases. I dread the idea, on a physiological level, of knowing I need to sleep. It's a ticking clock until the time where I know I need to be up for work. It's terrible. Lately I read (which helps), get drowsy, turn off my lamp and close my eyes. Then, nope, no sleep. Turn the light back on and Repeat. Two to three times. Suckyyy. Body aches - Um, I haven't exercised, wtf? (see below) Lethargy/Sedentary-ness - As my husband calls it, sedimentary. It's really hard for me to do stuff. We started doing 5 mile walks along our trail with our dog but we stopped due to other things taking our time. And for about a year (hard for me to admit), I was unemployed and very lethargic. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't laying around eating bon bons, but I felt really lethargic and unmotivated a lot. It has continued even now. I can't blame it on grief. My mother would plotz.