I just can't ever do this.

Well, I thought I just can't ever do this. I really did.
But even as I write this and my skin is itchy and hot and bothersome, I am trying to stay focused and positive.
I've had a mini-revelation. My food choices are about more than addiction. I always thought that's what it was all about. Addiction on a chemical level, on a mental level, and on an emotional level. Little bit hard to beat, don't you think?
But I truly realized this today.
It's most importantly about CONVENIENCE and HABIT. Those two things are soooo important. How could I not see that before? Those have been the death of me lately.
See, I'm not one to make a fuss over food at home. I don't cook and if I do it's simple pasta. I am not a domestic goddess. A goddess yes, but I hate to cook. I like to help others cook and maybe watch while we gab away about our lives, but I hate cooking for myself. I do not enjoy it. Let me state that again: I do not enjoy the process, only the benefits, and I actually like the end result of eating out. The food satisfies me more, looks prettier, I like being out, and I like the ambience and social aspect of it too. That's just me.
I am facing these facts and really trying to go with it. I have to be very budget conscious, but I think i can finally pull this off.
I may eat a sprouted bagel or some sashimi, but i'm going to go forward with this lifestyle. Everytime I don't I think, well, it's not the end of the world. But over all this time, 29 years of life, I sit here feeling terrible and slowly climbing into the category of sick person. Or not so slowly. All of a sudden I have these horrible skin problems. I've had "bad skin" i.e. acne my whole life, it's not that, it's like eczema maybe. I've never had it until about a month or more ago. It started with just a bit of itchy skin which i thought were airborne allergies. But just a few nights ago it was so bad that I literally couldn't sleep.
How did I get here? Heavy, emotionally negative, not doing yoga which I adore...
But now is beyond the time of lamentation.
Now is time to do something.
This forum is inspiring me:
http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/

The before and after pics are a quick inspiration fix, but I've wanted to do this for years now!
I am really going to try. I'll be blogging more about my struggle soon. Not much of a struggle if I start feeling better!

love is a game to you now, watch just to see how long

So...I've been about 60-70% raw, and honestly my cravings are better but that's about it. I've been having a lot of skin problems (weird temporary slight rashes) that I've never had before. My headaches have gotten a lot better and are almost gone. I can't seem to drink alcohol anymore which is odd. I would like to stick more to eating raw, but it's funny how birthdays and vacations can get in the way.
My main goal along with all of this is to exercise a lot more, including weights and the like.
I am a member of a gym and this has been my goal for a few months now. Oh, did I mention the pitfalls of a period? How in the world do people still exercise and eat raw when they're on their period??? I would love to get feedback on this.
But anyway, I do watch the show Biggest loser and despite the stupid challenges and petty dramas, it's amazing to see these people morph into completely new people with their ailments almost gone. It may be sort of trash tv but it motivates me and that's what's important.
So I have goals and now I have to just put in the hard work.

hoping?

Well, I went to a raw food meetup last night and it was pretty fun. I met some really interesting people and even some who I'd like to be friends with in the future. There were some tips like "eat simply" that I think will really work for me. Considering I don't ever cook, I can't imagine making elaborate recipes using dehydrators and blenders, etc. for hours on end. It's just unrealistic. And isn't one of the points of the diet to eat unprocessed foods. All fo that seems like a huge process to me - maybe not chemically, but physically and emotionally. :)
I ate a big salad at Bonobo's in NYC (shout out!) and it was really delicious. I love that place and despite being a bit pricey, it fills me up and the food is so colorful. I tasted this sweet nut ball type thing (haha, yeah, i said nut ball) from this very swet girl and it convinced me to buy a couple. I went home and ate one and was thoroughly satisfied. Amazing! Plus, this other girl let me in on the "secret" of their ice cream. I had no idea they even had ice cream, but they have durian flavor and all sorts of others that are of course great for you. It was a little evening that I really needed.
And last night, after eating 90% raw yesterday, I noticed something. Something little, yes, but still. The negative thoughts lessened in my head. And I KNOW it wasn't coincidence. I've had them in there for at least a few weeks and when I didn't have as many, I was like "whoah, there's all this free space in here". That's what it felt like to me. Like it aired out and some of the dirty fog was gone. Plus, I was walkign down this street that I usually hate to walked own (cold, gloomy) and I didn't realize it until I was at the end. Then I also realized that I had been singing to myself as well. Haven't done that in a long time.
So I am really going to take this day by day.
The KEY for me is eating healthy raw for 80% of my diet. I'm excited (and slightly terrified) but I will embark on this.
I'm getting new glasses today, and I hope they will accent the soon to be new me. And I don't need a before and after - just more of those little moments like I had yesterday...

*what I ate yesterday:

Happy Shake (gathered form other people's recipes and then some other stuff thrown in)
-spinach, bananas, blueberries, maca powder, water, ice, raw cacao nibs

-apple, gala

Jamba Juice smoothie (yes, i know I'm supporting THE MAN but it's soooo convenient for me in "the big city")
-all fruit pomegranate paradise--> pom juice, strawberries, mangos, peaches, ice
-sourdough pretzel (i know, i suck, but i'm trying to ween off this and it's not easy)

Gorilla Salad
-mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, veggie salad (broccoli, other delicious things in some kind of curry)
-one nut ball with agave nectar and figs in it, I believe...love me some nut balls, hehe...

hmm...

A new year, a new me, right?
Are blogs where there aren't successes boring to read? No before and after photos here.
Overall, I know I can succeed. I went raw before the holidays and did really well. Sometimes I ate raw all day and sometimes I had a healthy cooked dinner and the rest raw, but it was working for me. Then the holidays came and well, not good.
I'm at my most desperate. I don't really want to write out all the grizzly details. Maybe I will in the future, but right now I am trying to live one day at a time.
I appreciate the health that I have, but it is not at its best right now. Perhaps its worst, for me anyway.
But I'm fighting the fight. I'm going to a raw food meetup tonight and hoping there won't just be new agey stick figures preaching to everyone and judging. At this point I don't even care. I'm really going to put all my effort into health.
I feel I have no other choice at this point.
(yeah, it's kinda that bad)