This album has intrigued and enveloped me...has helped bring me to the understanding I have now...
Well, I somewhat gave up on posting for a while because I didn't want this project to be about my failure - with raw foods, food in general, or my mental, physical, or emotional states. Yes, these are all intrinsically tied together for me, but I wanted this blog to be about my particular progress with food/raw food. I figured that if anyone wanted to read about someone's unraveling, they can go to any number of blogs, including celebrity blogs (Britney and family, anyone?)...
I've been reading Eat Pray Love even despite its own hooha and Oprah episode. Hell, I'm not even halfway through the India chapter and I've realized so many things.
And one HUGE thing: I cannot go on with this without YOGA.
Ever since I first practiced yoga in college (before that?), I have known that it touched something so wonderful that it's almost too wonderful to keep doing.
I realize that if I just deal with my body and mind, I will never get anywhere. These entities are sneaky buggers and will trip me up even as they lure me to thinking I'm just seeking pleasure or comfort or even some form of intellectualism. Oy.
Right now I'm in a terrible place, but my mind has interfered and made me think otherwise. Plus, I've had some personal victories, so i feel quite happy.
I have, however, had a stomach ache for about a week. A constant, painful stomach ache for a week. Ugh. Not good in any way. In fact, I had this stomach ache and wasn't even able to tell that I had gotten my period (or visit from aunt flo as I like to call it). Right there says it all. My body can't even tell something like that. Its messaging is all out of whack. It's like it's screaming from inside a cave under a rock under 10 wool blankets. I have managed to block my body's pathway, or vocal chords, if you will, moreso than before I think because now it's a different way. I didn't think it was possible. To cut off communication between your mind, body, and ultimately your soul, seemed a simple and one method kind of thing to me. But now I realize otherwise.
I have managed to achieve the same endpoint by doing the same things as I always have but in a different way. A different perspective, if you will. If that makes no sense to you, it makes no sense to me either. I just know where I stand now. Or more accurately - where I lay hunched over in the fetal position. When I first started posting, I was crying out desperately, actively, in pain from what I was doing to my body through food. Now I lay almost silently. And I know that I could pretty much be like this forever. It's scary, to be honest.
I need to start a devotional practice of yoga because that's the only way to put my mind and body in check. Hell, then I can eat bananas every second for all I will care. If I tried that now, oh...well, I just know it would be a disastrous nightmare. Because it wouldn't work. It can't work.
So I know what I must do.
No comments:
Post a Comment