Mostly to write these things down:
Things I want to do More of
-Yoga
-Writing
-Travel
-Research
The East Village is funny. Going to a coffeeshop to write at 7 in the morning makes you feel like a crazy person. No one is awake. The tables are all being set up for breakfasts that no one attends. The coffeeshop I am in right now claims me as its only patron. Only patron - in the village in NYC - a place where the art of making evil eyes to swoop in on the person leaving a table so the 3 people next to you don't get it is...well, an art form.
Walking down Ave A. with the unfavorable winds (Weather Advisory) gusting all around you is really an invigorating way to start the day. Little twisters of the block's garbage and debris swirl all around you calling to you, inviting you in to play.
But let me start at the beginning, or Why You're Reading This Article.
I woke up at 6am today. That is ridiculously early for me in this life of sabbatacle from a job in the East Village. Every morning I've woken slightly later and feeling more lethargic. It was a creeping problem that I hated, one that I knew would catch up with me. 9am was becoming 9:30 and then would become 10 or 11! Not okay with me. It really does add to a sense of worthlessness, I don't care what you say.
And it makes me crazy to hear people say that 9am is early, or even 7am for that matter because I am highly aware that most of the people on this planet arise before dawn. Whether by choice or mostly not, this is the case. So young westerners who think otherwise sound spoiled, whiny, and narcissistic. It's one thing if you're a student, well, an undergrad, because that's when you embody these concepts. I jest, but look at this neighborhood and tell me I'm stereotyping. Two people have since come in to the coffeeshop. It is 7:38am.
So back to waking up early. Today I woke up fully awake with my mind racing, but in a linear way not an overindulgent scattered way. The funny thing was, I started writing articles in my head. It led me to a moment of clarity I hadn't had for a long time. The things I wanted and needed to do were very clear to me.
This HAD to be due to the "boot camp" class I took yesterday at the gym. I thought it would kill me, and I could barely complete all of the exercises, but I finished the class. I found out afterward that a lot of the people wee marathon runners.
I only ran when being chased. I told this to my bf who laughed and then asked "but when are you being chased?" and I replied "sometimes by you around the room a couple times, but other than that, never. That's exactly the point. I don't run."
My body pulsed when I awoke. I felt alive and awake. I knew it was 6am and my first reaction was that I was scared. I was scared of having so much time in the day. What would I do? Would I be miserable and bored? Then the thought of how pathetic my first thought was crept in. I knew I had found a core fear inside myself.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I just can't ever do this.
Well, I thought I just can't ever do this. I really did.
But even as I write this and my skin is itchy and hot and bothersome, I am trying to stay focused and positive.
I've had a mini-revelation. My food choices are about more than addiction. I always thought that's what it was all about. Addiction on a chemical level, on a mental level, and on an emotional level. Little bit hard to beat, don't you think?
But I truly realized this today.
It's most importantly about CONVENIENCE and HABIT. Those two things are soooo important. How could I not see that before? Those have been the death of me lately.
See, I'm not one to make a fuss over food at home. I don't cook and if I do it's simple pasta. I am not a domestic goddess. A goddess yes, but I hate to cook. I like to help others cook and maybe watch while we gab away about our lives, but I hate cooking for myself. I do not enjoy it. Let me state that again: I do not enjoy the process, only the benefits, and I actually like the end result of eating out. The food satisfies me more, looks prettier, I like being out, and I like the ambience and social aspect of it too. That's just me.
I am facing these facts and really trying to go with it. I have to be very budget conscious, but I think i can finally pull this off.
I may eat a sprouted bagel or some sashimi, but i'm going to go forward with this lifestyle. Everytime I don't I think, well, it's not the end of the world. But over all this time, 29 years of life, I sit here feeling terrible and slowly climbing into the category of sick person. Or not so slowly. All of a sudden I have these horrible skin problems. I've had "bad skin" i.e. acne my whole life, it's not that, it's like eczema maybe. I've never had it until about a month or more ago. It started with just a bit of itchy skin which i thought were airborne allergies. But just a few nights ago it was so bad that I literally couldn't sleep.
How did I get here? Heavy, emotionally negative, not doing yoga which I adore...
But now is beyond the time of lamentation.
Now is time to do something.
This forum is inspiring me:
http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/
The before and after pics are a quick inspiration fix, but I've wanted to do this for years now!
I am really going to try. I'll be blogging more about my struggle soon. Not much of a struggle if I start feeling better!
But even as I write this and my skin is itchy and hot and bothersome, I am trying to stay focused and positive.
I've had a mini-revelation. My food choices are about more than addiction. I always thought that's what it was all about. Addiction on a chemical level, on a mental level, and on an emotional level. Little bit hard to beat, don't you think?
But I truly realized this today.
It's most importantly about CONVENIENCE and HABIT. Those two things are soooo important. How could I not see that before? Those have been the death of me lately.
See, I'm not one to make a fuss over food at home. I don't cook and if I do it's simple pasta. I am not a domestic goddess. A goddess yes, but I hate to cook. I like to help others cook and maybe watch while we gab away about our lives, but I hate cooking for myself. I do not enjoy it. Let me state that again: I do not enjoy the process, only the benefits, and I actually like the end result of eating out. The food satisfies me more, looks prettier, I like being out, and I like the ambience and social aspect of it too. That's just me.
I am facing these facts and really trying to go with it. I have to be very budget conscious, but I think i can finally pull this off.
I may eat a sprouted bagel or some sashimi, but i'm going to go forward with this lifestyle. Everytime I don't I think, well, it's not the end of the world. But over all this time, 29 years of life, I sit here feeling terrible and slowly climbing into the category of sick person. Or not so slowly. All of a sudden I have these horrible skin problems. I've had "bad skin" i.e. acne my whole life, it's not that, it's like eczema maybe. I've never had it until about a month or more ago. It started with just a bit of itchy skin which i thought were airborne allergies. But just a few nights ago it was so bad that I literally couldn't sleep.
How did I get here? Heavy, emotionally negative, not doing yoga which I adore...
But now is beyond the time of lamentation.
Now is time to do something.
This forum is inspiring me:
http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/
The before and after pics are a quick inspiration fix, but I've wanted to do this for years now!
I am really going to try. I'll be blogging more about my struggle soon. Not much of a struggle if I start feeling better!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
love is a game to you now, watch just to see how long
So...I've been about 60-70% raw, and honestly my cravings are better but that's about it. I've been having a lot of skin problems (weird temporary slight rashes) that I've never had before. My headaches have gotten a lot better and are almost gone. I can't seem to drink alcohol anymore which is odd. I would like to stick more to eating raw, but it's funny how birthdays and vacations can get in the way.
My main goal along with all of this is to exercise a lot more, including weights and the like.
I am a member of a gym and this has been my goal for a few months now. Oh, did I mention the pitfalls of a period? How in the world do people still exercise and eat raw when they're on their period??? I would love to get feedback on this.
But anyway, I do watch the show Biggest loser and despite the stupid challenges and petty dramas, it's amazing to see these people morph into completely new people with their ailments almost gone. It may be sort of trash tv but it motivates me and that's what's important.
So I have goals and now I have to just put in the hard work.
My main goal along with all of this is to exercise a lot more, including weights and the like.
I am a member of a gym and this has been my goal for a few months now. Oh, did I mention the pitfalls of a period? How in the world do people still exercise and eat raw when they're on their period??? I would love to get feedback on this.
But anyway, I do watch the show Biggest loser and despite the stupid challenges and petty dramas, it's amazing to see these people morph into completely new people with their ailments almost gone. It may be sort of trash tv but it motivates me and that's what's important.
So I have goals and now I have to just put in the hard work.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
hoping?
Well, I went to a raw food meetup last night and it was pretty fun. I met some really interesting people and even some who I'd like to be friends with in the future. There were some tips like "eat simply" that I think will really work for me. Considering I don't ever cook, I can't imagine making elaborate recipes using dehydrators and blenders, etc. for hours on end. It's just unrealistic. And isn't one of the points of the diet to eat unprocessed foods. All fo that seems like a huge process to me - maybe not chemically, but physically and emotionally. :)
I ate a big salad at Bonobo's in NYC (shout out!) and it was really delicious. I love that place and despite being a bit pricey, it fills me up and the food is so colorful. I tasted this sweet nut ball type thing (haha, yeah, i said nut ball) from this very swet girl and it convinced me to buy a couple. I went home and ate one and was thoroughly satisfied. Amazing! Plus, this other girl let me in on the "secret" of their ice cream. I had no idea they even had ice cream, but they have durian flavor and all sorts of others that are of course great for you. It was a little evening that I really needed.
And last night, after eating 90% raw yesterday, I noticed something. Something little, yes, but still. The negative thoughts lessened in my head. And I KNOW it wasn't coincidence. I've had them in there for at least a few weeks and when I didn't have as many, I was like "whoah, there's all this free space in here". That's what it felt like to me. Like it aired out and some of the dirty fog was gone. Plus, I was walkign down this street that I usually hate to walked own (cold, gloomy) and I didn't realize it until I was at the end. Then I also realized that I had been singing to myself as well. Haven't done that in a long time.
So I am really going to take this day by day.
The KEY for me is eating healthy raw for 80% of my diet. I'm excited (and slightly terrified) but I will embark on this.
I'm getting new glasses today, and I hope they will accent the soon to be new me. And I don't need a before and after - just more of those little moments like I had yesterday...
*what I ate yesterday:
Happy Shake (gathered form other people's recipes and then some other stuff thrown in)
-spinach, bananas, blueberries, maca powder, water, ice, raw cacao nibs
-apple, gala
Jamba Juice smoothie (yes, i know I'm supporting THE MAN but it's soooo convenient for me in "the big city")
-all fruit pomegranate paradise--> pom juice, strawberries, mangos, peaches, ice
-sourdough pretzel (i know, i suck, but i'm trying to ween off this and it's not easy)
Gorilla Salad
-mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, veggie salad (broccoli, other delicious things in some kind of curry)
-one nut ball with agave nectar and figs in it, I believe...love me some nut balls, hehe...
I ate a big salad at Bonobo's in NYC (shout out!) and it was really delicious. I love that place and despite being a bit pricey, it fills me up and the food is so colorful. I tasted this sweet nut ball type thing (haha, yeah, i said nut ball) from this very swet girl and it convinced me to buy a couple. I went home and ate one and was thoroughly satisfied. Amazing! Plus, this other girl let me in on the "secret" of their ice cream. I had no idea they even had ice cream, but they have durian flavor and all sorts of others that are of course great for you. It was a little evening that I really needed.
And last night, after eating 90% raw yesterday, I noticed something. Something little, yes, but still. The negative thoughts lessened in my head. And I KNOW it wasn't coincidence. I've had them in there for at least a few weeks and when I didn't have as many, I was like "whoah, there's all this free space in here". That's what it felt like to me. Like it aired out and some of the dirty fog was gone. Plus, I was walkign down this street that I usually hate to walked own (cold, gloomy) and I didn't realize it until I was at the end. Then I also realized that I had been singing to myself as well. Haven't done that in a long time.
So I am really going to take this day by day.
The KEY for me is eating healthy raw for 80% of my diet. I'm excited (and slightly terrified) but I will embark on this.
I'm getting new glasses today, and I hope they will accent the soon to be new me. And I don't need a before and after - just more of those little moments like I had yesterday...
*what I ate yesterday:
Happy Shake (gathered form other people's recipes and then some other stuff thrown in)
-spinach, bananas, blueberries, maca powder, water, ice, raw cacao nibs
-apple, gala
Jamba Juice smoothie (yes, i know I'm supporting THE MAN but it's soooo convenient for me in "the big city")
-all fruit pomegranate paradise--> pom juice, strawberries, mangos, peaches, ice
-sourdough pretzel (i know, i suck, but i'm trying to ween off this and it's not easy)
Gorilla Salad
-mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, veggie salad (broccoli, other delicious things in some kind of curry)
-one nut ball with agave nectar and figs in it, I believe...love me some nut balls, hehe...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
hmm...
A new year, a new me, right?
Are blogs where there aren't successes boring to read? No before and after photos here.
Overall, I know I can succeed. I went raw before the holidays and did really well. Sometimes I ate raw all day and sometimes I had a healthy cooked dinner and the rest raw, but it was working for me. Then the holidays came and well, not good.
I'm at my most desperate. I don't really want to write out all the grizzly details. Maybe I will in the future, but right now I am trying to live one day at a time.
I appreciate the health that I have, but it is not at its best right now. Perhaps its worst, for me anyway.
But I'm fighting the fight. I'm going to a raw food meetup tonight and hoping there won't just be new agey stick figures preaching to everyone and judging. At this point I don't even care. I'm really going to put all my effort into health.
I feel I have no other choice at this point.
(yeah, it's kinda that bad)
Are blogs where there aren't successes boring to read? No before and after photos here.
Overall, I know I can succeed. I went raw before the holidays and did really well. Sometimes I ate raw all day and sometimes I had a healthy cooked dinner and the rest raw, but it was working for me. Then the holidays came and well, not good.
I'm at my most desperate. I don't really want to write out all the grizzly details. Maybe I will in the future, but right now I am trying to live one day at a time.
I appreciate the health that I have, but it is not at its best right now. Perhaps its worst, for me anyway.
But I'm fighting the fight. I'm going to a raw food meetup tonight and hoping there won't just be new agey stick figures preaching to everyone and judging. At this point I don't even care. I'm really going to put all my effort into health.
I feel I have no other choice at this point.
(yeah, it's kinda that bad)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
eeek
Yeah, so needless to say I haven't followed through with this blog like I wanted to. Well, guess what? i haven't followed a raw lifestyle either. I feel that I am at a low right now. Logically and "realistically" I am doing so well! I like my job a lot (I'm a freelancer and loving it), I'm in the throws of early love with my significant other, and I have a great group of friends who I just had a nice weekend getaway with. Things are great and I feel great...in a sense.
Physically I feel huge. I'm still in denial about being that way, but I'm sure the pounds will back that up. As I've said, I still feel sexy and have a great love life, but how I feel in this body is not right. This very second I'm bloated and my joints hurt. My whole body started to ache a while after I stopped doing yoga. I feel like a creakety old house that gets stepped around in every now and then and of course starts creaking louder in certain spots.
I have tried eating more salads and veggies and fruits, but obviously it's not working. And today I have been eating almost nonstop. i have a ravenous hunger all of a sudden and earlier I was craving shrimp. (normally I don't eat shrimp). So I ate overpriced greasy Chinese food with veggies, rice, shrimp, and bean curd. It satisfied but I still feel terribly bloated.
I really hope I can push myself to go raw, at least 90%, no less.
I hope to have a motivational story complete with pictures and things like random "ahhhhs" and "life is so serene and wonderful"...no, really...
Physically I feel huge. I'm still in denial about being that way, but I'm sure the pounds will back that up. As I've said, I still feel sexy and have a great love life, but how I feel in this body is not right. This very second I'm bloated and my joints hurt. My whole body started to ache a while after I stopped doing yoga. I feel like a creakety old house that gets stepped around in every now and then and of course starts creaking louder in certain spots.
I have tried eating more salads and veggies and fruits, but obviously it's not working. And today I have been eating almost nonstop. i have a ravenous hunger all of a sudden and earlier I was craving shrimp. (normally I don't eat shrimp). So I ate overpriced greasy Chinese food with veggies, rice, shrimp, and bean curd. It satisfied but I still feel terribly bloated.
I really hope I can push myself to go raw, at least 90%, no less.
I hope to have a motivational story complete with pictures and things like random "ahhhhs" and "life is so serene and wonderful"...no, really...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Stick with me baby, we'll find a way
This album has intrigued and enveloped me...has helped bring me to the understanding I have now...
Well, I somewhat gave up on posting for a while because I didn't want this project to be about my failure - with raw foods, food in general, or my mental, physical, or emotional states. Yes, these are all intrinsically tied together for me, but I wanted this blog to be about my particular progress with food/raw food. I figured that if anyone wanted to read about someone's unraveling, they can go to any number of blogs, including celebrity blogs (Britney and family, anyone?)...
I've been reading Eat Pray Love even despite its own hooha and Oprah episode. Hell, I'm not even halfway through the India chapter and I've realized so many things.
And one HUGE thing: I cannot go on with this without YOGA.
Ever since I first practiced yoga in college (before that?), I have known that it touched something so wonderful that it's almost too wonderful to keep doing.
I realize that if I just deal with my body and mind, I will never get anywhere. These entities are sneaky buggers and will trip me up even as they lure me to thinking I'm just seeking pleasure or comfort or even some form of intellectualism. Oy.
Right now I'm in a terrible place, but my mind has interfered and made me think otherwise. Plus, I've had some personal victories, so i feel quite happy.
I have, however, had a stomach ache for about a week. A constant, painful stomach ache for a week. Ugh. Not good in any way. In fact, I had this stomach ache and wasn't even able to tell that I had gotten my period (or visit from aunt flo as I like to call it). Right there says it all. My body can't even tell something like that. Its messaging is all out of whack. It's like it's screaming from inside a cave under a rock under 10 wool blankets. I have managed to block my body's pathway, or vocal chords, if you will, moreso than before I think because now it's a different way. I didn't think it was possible. To cut off communication between your mind, body, and ultimately your soul, seemed a simple and one method kind of thing to me. But now I realize otherwise.
I have managed to achieve the same endpoint by doing the same things as I always have but in a different way. A different perspective, if you will. If that makes no sense to you, it makes no sense to me either. I just know where I stand now. Or more accurately - where I lay hunched over in the fetal position. When I first started posting, I was crying out desperately, actively, in pain from what I was doing to my body through food. Now I lay almost silently. And I know that I could pretty much be like this forever. It's scary, to be honest.
I need to start a devotional practice of yoga because that's the only way to put my mind and body in check. Hell, then I can eat bananas every second for all I will care. If I tried that now, oh...well, I just know it would be a disastrous nightmare. Because it wouldn't work. It can't work.
So I know what I must do.
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